Let me start by saying Happy Thanksgiving to you all, I didn’t mean to begin this blog so close to the holiday’s. Whoops! Allow me to also introduce myself, since I seemed to have forgotten to do that in my previous post. My plan is to never state my name, but I will tell you a little bit about myself. I am a Colorado native, born and raised in Denver with Mexican roots, sibling of 3, an aunty of one sweet little girl, and a soon to be CphT (certified pharmacy technician.) I am a runner, a Christian, and a ukulele player. Like I said, there is nothing necessarily special about me, I can’t sing, dance, or breath fire, but I consider myself pretty darn worthy of praise for keeping a smile on my face after all I’ve been through. Above all of what I am physically, I am happy. Which is something I haven’t been able to say in quite a while.
Let’s just get this out there, I never have, nor never will I consider myself to be a victim. I am a surviver. A survivor of one molestation case, one sagatory rape case, a mommy of a little one in heaven, and a survivor of three suicide attempts. My high school years were full of eating disorders and trying to find myself in the worst ways possible. My father was an alcoholic, and my socioeconimc status growing up was far from peachy, but I am a survivor. I hold my head up high. I may live my day to day life a little messed up, but I am alive and well. I am content with all that I have been blessed with since then; family, and opportunities to continue fighting. I regret a lot of things I’ve done in my times of desperation, but I know that I would not be who I am today without slip-ups. No one on this Earth is perfect, and I expect to make more mistakes, however, my goal is to be able to put these experienes into words to help out a fellow human being looking for help, because I never did.
If I had to name my biggest regret, it would be that I never reached out to anyone. Looking back, I had a best friend to talk to, a school psychiatrist, I even God to talk to. Never once did I pray, reach out for a human hand, or show any emotion through it all. Maybe if I had, I would not have been as emotionally damaged as I was. My ideas of a healthy relationship were no where near normal, and I looked at myself as if I were a trapped rat looking for some kind of escape. I did anything and everything, drugs, sexual favors for love, you name it, I was a complete sell out. I needed help, I just never asked for it. I’m only 19 years old, it’s scary to think about. If I was that young going through all this, how on Earth are all these other teenagers still alive!? I’m thankful I got better before this world got worse.
I can’t pinpoint exactly where I decided to fix myself, but nevertheless, I thank God on a regular basis for keeping me on this Earth. Since I changed my life, I have met some pretty beautiful people. I have also done some pretty cool things, like fly a plane, and travel to Washington D.C.. Not at the same time, but you get the picture! My point is, when people say to you that it gets better, believe them; it does. Be thankful for having a beating heart, and the need to heal. We will get there.